Parenting - The Irrational Vocation
There are some grounds to assume that a cognitive dissonance is involved in feeling that children are more a satisfaction than a nuisance. Why do people bother with parenting? It is time consuming, exhausting, strains otherwise pleasurable and tranquil relationships to their limits. Still, humanity keeps at it: breeding.
It is the easiest to resort to Nature. After all, all living species breed and most of them parent. We are, all taken into consideration, animals and, therefore, subject to the same instinctive behaviour patterns. There is no point in looking for a reason: survival itself (whether of the gene pool or, on a higher level, of the species) is at stake. Breeding is a transport mechanism: handing the precious cargo of genetics down generations of "organic containers".
But this is a reductionist view, which both ignores epistemological and emotional realities - and is tautological, thereby explaining something in terms of itself. Calling something by a different name or describing the mechanisms involved in minute detail does not an explanation make.
First hypothesis: we bring children to the world in order to "circumvent" death. We attain immortality (genetically and psychologically - though in both cases it is imaginary) by propagating our genetic material through the medium of our offspring.
This is a highly dubious claim. Any analysis, however shallow, will reveal its weaknesses. Our genetic material gets diluted beyond reconstruction with time. It constitutes 50% of the first generation, 25% of the second and so on. If this were the paramount concern - incest should have been the norm, being a behaviour better able to preserve a specific set of genes (especially today, when genetic screening can effectively guard against the birth of defective babies). Moreover, progeny is a dubious way of perpetuating one's self. No one remembers one's great great grandfathers. One's memory is better preserved by intellectual feats or architectural monuments. The latter are much better conduits than children and grandchildren.
Still, this indoctrinated misconception is so strong that a baby boom characterizes post war periods. Having been existentially threatened, people multiply in the vain belief that they thus best protect their genetic heritage and fixate their memory.
In the better-educated, higher income, low infant mortality part of the world - the number of children has decreased dramatically - but those who still bring them to the world do so partly because they believe in these factually erroneous assumptions.
Second hypothesis: we bring children to the world in order to preserve the cohesiveness of the family nucleus. This claim can more plausibly be reversed: the cohesiveness of the social cell of the family encourages bringing children to the world. In both cases, if true, we would have expected more children to be born into stable families (ante or post facto) than into abnormal or dysfunctional ones. The facts absolutely contradict this expectation: more children are born to single parent families (between one third and one half of them) and to other "abnormal" (non-traditional) families than to the mother-father classic configuration. Dysfunctional families have more children than any other type of family arrangement. Children are an abject failure at preserving family cohesiveness. It would seem that the number of children, or even their very existence, is not correlated to the stability of the family. Under special circumstances, (Narcissistic parents, working mothers) they may even be a destabilizing factor.
Hypothesis number three: children are mostly born unwanted. They are the results of accidents and mishaps, wrong fertility planning, wrong decisions and misguided turns of events. The more sex people engage in and the less preventive measures they adopt - the greater the likelihood of having a child. While this might be factually true (family planning is all but defunct in most parts of the world), it neglects the simple fact that people want children and love them. Children are still economic assets in many parts of the world. They plough fields and do menial jobs very effectively. This still does not begin to explain the attachment between parents and their offspring and the grief experienced by parents when children die or are sick. It seems that people derive enormous emotional fulfilment from being parents. This is true even when the children were unwanted in the first place or are the results of lacking planning and sexual accidents. That children ARE the results of sexual ignorance, bad timing, the vigorousness of the sexual drive (higher frequency of sexual encounters) - can be proven using birth statistics among teenagers, the less educated and the young (ages 20 to 30).
People derive great happiness, fulfilment and satisfaction from their children. Is not this, in itself, a sufficient explanation? The pleasure principle seems to be at work: people have children because it gives them great pleasure. Children are sources of emotional sustenance. As parents grow old, they become sources of economic support, as well. Unfortunately, these assertions are not sustained by the facts. Increasing mobility breaks families apart at an early stage. Children become ever more dependent on the economic reserves of their parents (during their studies and the formation of a new family). It is not uncommon today for a child to live with and off his parents until the age of 30. Increasing individualism leaves parents to cope with the empty nest syndrome. Communication between parents and children has rarefied in the 20th century.
It is possible to think of children as habit forming (see: "The Habit of Identity"). In this hypothesis, parents - especially mothers - form a habit. Nine months of pregnancy and a host of social reactions condition the parents. They get used to the presence of an "abstract" baby. It is a case of a getting used to a concept. This is not very convincing. Entertaining a notion, a concept, a thought, an idea, a mental image, or a symbol very rarely leads to the formation of a habit. Moreover, the living baby is very different to its pre-natal image. It cries, it soils, it smells, it severely disrupts the lives of its parents. It is much easier to reject it then to transform it to a habit. Moreover, a child is a bad emotional investment. So many things can and do go wrong with it as it grows. So many expectations and dreams are frustrated. The child leaves home and rarely reciprocates. The emotional "returns" on an investment in a child are rarely commensurate with the magnitude of the investment.
This is not to say that people do NOT derive pleasure and fulfilment from their offspring. This is undeniable. Yet, it is neither in the economic nor in the mature emotional arenas. To have children seems to be a purely Narcissistic drive, a part of the pursuit of Narcissistic supply.
For further elaboration, please refer to: "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" and the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) sections.
We are all Narcissists, to a greater or lesser degree. A Narcissist is a person who projects a (false) image to the people around him. He then proceeds to define himself by this very image reflected back at him. Thus, he regards people as mere instruments, helpful in his Sisyphean attempt at self-definition. Their attention is crucial because it augments his weak ego and defines its boundaries. The Narcissist feeds off their admiration, adoration and approval and these help him to maintain a grandiose (fantastic and delusional) sense of self. As the personality matures, Narcissism is replaced with the ability to empathize and to love. The energy (libido) initially directed at loving one's (false) self is redirected at more multidimensional, less idealized "targets": others. This edifice of maturity seems to crumble at the sight of one's offspring. The baby evokes in the parent the most primordial drives, a regression to infancy, protective, animalistic instincts, the desire to merge with the newborn and a sense of terror generated by such a desire (a fear of vanishing and of being assimilated). The parent relives his infancy and childhood through the agency of the baby. The newborn provides the parent with endless, unconditional and unbounded Narcissistic supply. This is euphemistically known as love - but it is really a form of symbiotic dependence, at least in the beginning of the relationship. Such narcissistic supply is addictive even to the more balanced, more mature, more psychodynamically stable of parents.
It enhances the parent's self-confidence, self esteem and buttresses his self image. It fast becomes indispensable, especially in the emotionally vulnerable position in which the parent finds himself. This vulnerability is a result of the reawakening and reconstruction of all the conflicts and unsolved complexes that the parent had with his own parents.
If explanation is true, the following should also hold true:
Sure enough, both predictions are validated by reality. The higher the education and the income of adults - the fewer children they tend to have. People with a higher education and with a greater income are more likely to have a more established sense of self worth. Children become counter-productive: not only is their Narcissistic input (supply) unnecessary, they can also hinder further progress.
Having children is not a survival or genetically oriented imperative. Had this been the case, the number of children would have risen together with free income. Yet, exactly the reverse is happening: the more children people can economically afford - the fewer they have. The more educated they are (=the more they know about the world and about themselves), the less they seek to procreate. The more advanced the civilization, the more efforts it invests into preventing the birth of children: contraceptives, family planning, abortions. These all are typical of affluent, well educated societies.
And the more Narcissistic supply can be derived from other sources - the less do people resort to making children and to other procreative activities (such as sex). Freud described the mechanism of sublimation: the sex drive, the Eros (libido), can be "converted", "sublimated" into other activities. All the sublimatory channels and activities are Narcissistic in character: politics, art. They all provide what children do: narcissistic supply. They make children redundant. It is not by coincidence that people famous for their creativity tend to have less children than the average (most of them, none at all). They are Narcissistically self sufficient, they do not need children.
This seems to be the key to our determination to have children:
To experience the unconditional love that we received from our mothers, this intoxicating feeling of being loved without caveats, for what we are, with no limits, reservations, or calculations. This is the most powerful, crystallized source of Narcissistic supply. It nourishes our self-love, self worth and self-confidence. It infuses us with feelings of omnipotence and omniscience. In these, and other respects, it is a return to infancy.
Is there a "typical" relationship between the Narcissist and his family?
We are all members of a few families in our lifetime: the one that we are born to and the one(s) that we create. We all transfer hurts, attitudes, fears, hopes and desires - a whole emotional baggage - from the former to the latter. The narcissist is no exception.
The narcissist has a dichotomous view of humanity: humans are either Sources of Narcissistic Supply (and, then, idealised and over-valued) or do not fulfil this function (and, therefore, are valueless, devalued). The narcissist gets all the love that he needs from himself. From the outside he needs approval, affirmation, admiration, adoration, attention - in other words, externalised Ego boundary functions. He does not require - nor does he seek - his parents' or his siblings' love, or to be loved by his children. He casts them as the audience in the theatre of his inflated grandiosity. He wishes to impress them, shock them, threaten them, infuse them with awe, inspire them, attract their attention, subjugate them, or manipulate them. He emulates and simulates an entire range of emotions and employs every means to achieve these effects. He lies (narcissists are pathological liars - their very self is a false one). He plays the pitiful, or, its opposite, the resilient and reliable. He stuns and shines with outstanding intellectual, or physical (or anything else appreciated by the members of the family) capacities and achievements. When confronted with (young) siblings or with his own children, the narcissist is likely to undergo three reactive phases:
At first, he perceives his offspring as a threat to his Narcissistic Supply Sources (his turf, the Pathological Narcissistic Space). He does his best to belittle them, hurt (also physically) and humiliate them and then, when these reactions prove ineffective or counter productive, he retreats into an imaginary world of omnipotence. A period of emotional absence and detachment ensues. The narcissist indulges himself in daydreaming, delusions of grandeur, planning of future coups, nostalgia and hurt (the Lost Paradise Syndrome). The narcissist reacts this way to the birth of his children or to the introduction of new centres of attention to the family cell (even a new pet!).
Whatever the narcissist perceives to be his competition for scarce Narcissistic Supply is relegated to the role of the enemy. Where no legitimacy exists for the uninhibited expression of the aggression and hostility aroused by this predicament - the narcissist prefers to stay away. He disconnects, detaches himself emotionally, becomes cold and disinterested, directs transformed anger at his mate or at his parents (the more legitimate targets).
Other narcissists see the opportunity in the "mishap". They seek to manipulate their parents (or their mate) by "taking over" the newcomer. Such narcissists monopolise their siblings or their new-born children. This way, indirectly, the narcissist basks in the attention directed at the infant. An example: by being closely identified with his offspring, a narcissistic father secures the grateful admiration of the mother ("What an outstanding father he is"). He also assumes part of or all the credit for baby's/sibling's achievements. This is a process of annexation and assimilation of the other, a strategy that the narcissist makes use of in most of his relationships.
As the baby/sibling grows older, the narcissist begins to see their potential to be edifying, reliable and satisfactory Sources of Narcissistic Supply. His attitude, then, is completely transformed. The former threats have now become promising potentials. He cultivates those whom he trusts to be the most rewarding. He encourages them to idolise him, to adore him, to be awed by him, to admire his deeds and capabilities, to learn to blindly trust and obey him, in short to surrender to his charisma and to become submerged in his folies-de-grandeur. These roles - allocated to them explicitly and demandingly or implicitly and perniciously by the narcissist - are best fulfilled by ones whose mind is not fully formed and independent. The older the siblings or offspring, the more they become critical, even judgmental, of the narcissist. They are better able to put into context and perspective his actions, to question his motives, to anticipate his moves. They refuse to continue to play the mindless pawns in his chess game. They hold grudges against him for what he has done to them in the past, when they were less capable of resistance. They can gauge his true stature, talents and achievements - which, usually, lag far behind the claims that he makes.
This brings the narcissist a full cycle back to the first phase. Again, he perceives his Siblings or sons/daughters as threats. He quickly becomes disillusioned, in one of the spastic devaluation reactions typical of his appraisal of humans around him. He loses all interest, becomes emotionally remote, absent and cold, rejects any effort to communicate with him, citing life pressures and the preciousness and scarceness of his time. He feels burdened, cornered, besieged, suffocated, and claustrophobic. He wants to get away, to abandon his commitments to people who have become totally useless (or even damaging) to him. He does not understand why he has to support them, to suffer their company and he believes himself to have been trapped. He rebels either passively-aggressively (by refusing to act or intentionally sabotaging the relationships) or actively (by being overly critical, aggressive, unpleasant, verbally and psychologically abusive and so on). Slowly - to justify his acts to himself - he gets immersed in conspiracy theories with clear paranoid hues. To his mind, the members of the family conspire against him, seek to belittle or humiliate or subordinate him, do not understand him, stymie his growth. The narcissist usually finally gets what he wants and the family that he has created disintegrates to his great sorrow (due to the loss of the Narcissistic Space) - but also to his great relief and surprise (how could they have let go someone as unique as he?).
This is the cycle: the narcissist feels threatened by arrival of new family members - assimilation of siblings or offspring - obtaining Narcissistic Supply from them - overvaluation of these new sources by the narcissist - as sources grow older and independent, they adopt anti narcissistic behaviours - the narcissist devalues them - the narcissist feels stifled and trapped - the narcissist becomes paranoid - the narcissist rebels and the family disintegrates. This cycle characterises not only the family life of the narcissist. It is to be found in other realms of his life (his career, for instance). At work, the narcissist, initially, feels threatened (no one knows him, he is a nobody). Then, he develops a circle of admirers, cronies and friends which he "nurtures and cultivates" in order to obtain Narcissistic Supply from them. He overvalues them (they are the brightest, the most loyal, with the biggest chances to climb the corporate ladder and other superlatives).
But following some anti-narcissistic behaviours on their part (a critical remark, a disagreement, a refusal, however polite, all constitute such behaviours) - the narcissist devalues all these previously over-valued individuals. Now they are stupid, lack ambition, skills and talents, common (the worst expletive in the narcissist's vocabulary), with an unspectacular career ahead of them. The narcissist feels that he is misallocating his resources (for instance, his time). He feels besieged and suffocated. He rebels and erupts in a serious of self-defeating and self-destructive behaviours, which lead to the disintegration of his life.
Doomed to build and ruin, attach and detach, appreciate and depreciate, the narcissist is predictable in his Death Wish. What sets him apart from other suicidal types is that his wish is granted to him in small, tormenting doses throughout his anguished life.
About The Author
Sam Vaknin is the author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" and the editor of mental health categories in The Open Directory, Suite101, and searcheurope.com.
His web site: http://samvak.tripod.com
Frequently asked questions regarding narcissism: http://samvak.tripod.com/faq1.html
Narcissistic Personality Disorder on Suite101: http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/npd
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Simple summer recipes: Citrusy chicken, herb salad and pull-apart bread TODAY
Chef James Kent makes simple summer fare easy and impressive with citrus-marinated grilled chicken, homemade olive pull-apart rolls and fine herb salad.
How to use your air fryer to get a healthy dinner on the table tonight Well+Good
If you're committed to eating healthy but can't imagine a life without chips and fries (seriously, that sounds terrible), then you've likely already discovered the ...
6 Fruity Smoothie Recipes for a Hot Summer Day Health Essentials from Cleveland Clinic
Feel free to get creative with these fruity smoothie recipes — sneak in some green or cruciferous veggies, or up the protein *content* with a scoop of protein ...
This healthy *broccomole* recipe will make you forget all about avocados Well+Good
Believe it or not, this healthy 5-ingredient broccomole recipe from Malibu Farm could make you forget all about avocados. And it's easy to make!
Cookin' Time With H-E-B: Tasty back-to-school recipes KPRC Click2Houston
Here are some yummy recipes from the kitchens of H-E-B that you saw featured on KPRC2 News Midday.
Chrissy Teigen Is Taste-Testing New Recipes and They Look... Amazing Yahoo Lifestyle
From Marie Claire. I did not expect to begin my morning salivating over crab dip before even procuring a coffee, but thanks to Chrissy Teigen's Instagram, that's ...
Best Beer Cocktails - How to Make Beer Cocktails GoodHousekeeping.com
Dress up your beer with these delicious beer cocktail recipes. Prep the cocktail base and keep in the fridge, then top with some brew when ready to serve!
If you made a cake out of graham crackers, chocolate and marshmallows, would you call it a s’morte? - The Washington Post
If you made a cake out of graham crackers, chocolate and marshmallows, would you call it a s’morte? The Washington Post
You could nibble away at those campfire leftovers in your pantry, but we're thinking you should turn them into this one-pot cake.
Atkinson Candy changes Chick-o-Stick recipe; switches to all-natural ingredients WBTV
LUFKIN, Texas (KTRE) - Atkinson Candy has updated Chick-O-Stick. The crunchy candy will now be made with simple ingredients and without artificial colors or ...
From Crispy Potato Wedges to Eggplant Parm: 10 Vegan Recipes That Went Viral Last Week - One Green Planet
From Crispy Potato Wedges to Eggplant Parm: 10 Vegan Recipes That Went Viral Last Week One Green Planet
Check out last week's viral vegan recipes, which include eggplant parm, crispy potato wedges, chocolate avocado pudding, and more!
Best Chicken Cordon Bleu Meatballs Recipe - How To Make Chicken Cordon Bleu Meatballs Delish.com
Chicken Cordon Bleu Meatballs from Delish.com are stuffed with cheesy goodness.
10 Recipes to Make in Your Air Fryer! One Green Planet
Air fryers are probably one of the greatest kitchen inventions. They not only make your recipes healthier, but also a lot easier (and just as tasty).
7 interesting Maggi recipes to try this weekend Times of India
Weekends are all about unwinding and indulging in the best of moments with friends and family. In fact, the true essence of enjoyment is incomplete without ...
This one-pot pasta recipe is perfect when you just can’t deal with a sink full of dirty dishes - Well+Good
This one-pot pasta recipe is perfect when you just can’t deal with a sink full of dirty dishes Well+Good
A trip to the farmers' market to stock up on *fresh* produce is one of the best things about summer. But when mealtime rolls around, one constant remains no ...
5 Best Jackfruit Recipes | Easy Kathal Recipes To Try At Home! NDTV Food
Jackfruit or kathal is an amazing food to load up on nutrients and a viable alternative to animal meat. Here are five ways or five best jackfruit recipes to try at ...
Sharing family recipes Fort Dodge Messenger
Food is a vital part of our lives in so many ways. It is the centerpiece of many family traditions: Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter dinners, birthday ce.
Growing up ‘Indian-ish’: Priya Krishna shares recipes, stories at Smithsonian WTOP
Food writer Priya Krishna shares experiences on growing up 'Indian-ish' in a July 13 culinary demonstration at the National Museum of American History.
Best Summer Salads and Recipes U.S. News & World Report
Prepare for summer with our list of best salad recipes.
A Recipe for ‘Heartburn’ The New York Times
The cartoonist Will McPhail works through his feelings about Nora Ephron's classic divorce book by baking a pie.
Dessert Diva shares her recipe for No-Bake Caramel Chocolate Brownies WFLA
NO-BAKE CARAMEL CHOCOLATE BROWNIES 1 9- ounce box of chocolate wafers ( or chocolate graham crackers-approx 14) 3/4 cup semi sweet chocolate ...
The Perfect SWAN Recipe Seeking Alpha
SWANs, for the record, stand for investments that help you Sleep Well At Night. Many of these SWANs have maintained a very steady and reliable dividend ...
Top 20+ Reasons to Pay your Kid an Allowance
1. They can make mistakes under your guidance2.
The Financially Intelligent Parent: 8 Steps to Raising Successful, Generous, Responsible Children
What you say and do about money has a profound influence on your child. There are money moments every day that you can use to teach your children important skills and lessons about life.
Going Out to a Restaurant with Kids
Dining in a restaurant with kids can be very enervating and embarrasing. Not only that you have to desperately try and keep your wiggling toddler seated and silent, you also have to manage the disapproving looks from other (non-parent) guests.
Non-Compliance in Your Children, Some Tips for Parents
Non-compliance is the family therapist's big word for your child not obeying you when you have asked him or her to do something. It is helpful because it is descriptive, and because it may also motivate us as parents to move our kids from being non-compliant to being compliant.
Your Child's Self-Esteem is in The Cards
Research has shown that the present generation of children worldwide is demonstrating more social-emotional challenges (from low self-esteem to depression) than ever before. Families, schools, recreation programs etc.
Jammin with Your Kids: The Wonderful World of Music
Does music need to be "dumbed-down" for kids? The answer became quite clear to me and my husband as we observed how our own child responded to complex melodies and varied musical styles in the first months of her life.When I embarked on the recording of my children's music CD ("Wake Up & Go To Sleep", Artsong Music) shortly after my daughter was born, it didn't occur to me to create a happy little watered down collection of songs made just for young listeners.
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: What Do We Mean by Attention Anyway?
When we talk about attention, we are talking about two different kinds of abilities: The ability to focus on a specific task put in front of us to do, such as school work, and the ability to pay attention in a more global sense to the world around us, to be able to pay attention to the buzz of the lights overhead, and the touch of the clothes on your skin, and the children playing outside of the classroom. These are two different kinds of attention.
Have you ever sat and watch a child struggle with a blank page? Have you ever wondered why some children just seem to detest anything to do with writing? Have you seem them just give up in frustration and walk away angry and distraught? Well you are not alone. Every one possesses the capability to write stories, plays, poems or journal writings.
Your Company Vehicle is a Portable Bill Board; A word of advice on children passengers
Child Safety Restraints and children in work vehiclesIf you take your child in your work car, van, SUV or work truck, you should determine the type of safety seat that's appropriate to your child's age or weight and will allow you full control of the vehicle including use of the stick shift.If your child is newborn to nine months or twenty pounds, use an infant safety seat.
Water! Water Everywhere!
What one word best sums up summer fun? Water. I bet your favorite memories as a child involved getting wet, running through sprinklers on a sweltering afternoon, water fights in the backyard, wading at the beach, playing on the slip & slide, and skipping rocks across the river.
Parenting Your Teenager: How to End the Curfew Battle
Q. Things have been relatively calm and OK with our 16-year-old son so far.
The Theme from MASH - Suicide is Not Painless
The Theme from MASHI flipped the button on the remote control, pausing mindlessly at each channel to see the picture on the screen; I could not motivate myself to do anything else. I had worked all day and was too tired to move.
Tips For a First-Time Dad
So you're going to become a father. Now is not the time to panic.
Dads, Give them Household Chores
You have a chore to do around the house, and your kids want to help out. You know it might be nice for them to help, but you're feeling a bit impatient.
Teaching Children Good Manners
Last week in my newsletter, I mentioned that my children knew how to behave in nice restaurants because they had been exposed to the atmosphere at an early age. My idea of well behaved might be different from yours, however, I think there are certain basics that are important and universal.
Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Blackmail
Family decision-making is an intriguing phenomenon. Many factors become part of the decision-making process.
I Cant Sleep Without You
When my firstborn arrived into this serene and peaceful household, my entire world was transformed into a warzone and funfare at the same time. He became the focus of my attention throughout the entire day and I live to make sure he is alright.
Ten Ways to Help Your Child Make Friends
Nothing touches the heartstrings of a parent or teacher more than the plaintive cry "nobody likes me" or"I don't have any friends." We wish there were something we could do to insure the child will be, if not the most popular, at least included in the games on the playground.
Career Education: Does Not Mean the 6 Year College Plan
Researching career education uncovered the following shocking statistic: The average college student takes 5.3 years to earn a 4-year Bachelor's degree.
Stress is No Kiddy Matter
Kids today no longer live the kind of privileged lives that we used to live as kids. This, I am absolutely sure of?.
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